Standing in the supermarket I found myself paralyzed by the tins of beans. There were so many to choose from, how was I supposed to decide? I was 35 years old and thanks to my recent divorce, I had lost the ability to make a simple decision.
Anyone who has been through a divorce will know that even the most amicable split is painful. When I divorced, I felt like a complete failure, but more than that, I felt broken, confused and completely lost as to who I even was.
If I couldn’t even decide which beans to buy, how could I possibly begin to contemplate the bigger things that were bothering me, such as not even knowing what made me 'me' anymore?
When I was married everything about who I was, even my name, was rooted in being his wife. Then, when I suddenly I wasn’t his wife anymore, it left me with a sense of emptiness.
A fresh start
In some ways, this was exciting. I got a fresh start, and I could create myself anew, but mostly it was terrifying. I was a middle aged mum and felt as though I was starting again, like a teenager leaving home for the first time, only with more responsibility and far less time left to figure it all out.
More than a decade has passed since I got divorced and I’m older, wiser and much more certain of who I am.
After rediscovering myself, I trained as a Domestic Abuse Recovery Coach and began helping other women find themselves. Now I’m on a mission to introduce as many women as possible to their new best friend: themselves.
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Be your own best friend
The mistake I made was building my identity around my relationships and my roles as daughter, sister, wife and mother.
As women, we’re conditioned to put others first and this can often lead to us putting ourselves so far at the back of the queue that we end up leaving ourselves behind.
© GettyIn relationships this means we become so focused on 'we' and 'us' that we lose sight of 'me' and 'I'. Our own needs can end up left unmet, but relationships are healthier when both people know who they are and are fully loved for who they are as individuals. But doing this doesn’t necessarily come easy.
Remembering who you are as an individual involves challenging ideas of who we think we 'ought' to be, considering what naturally makes us tick and thinking about how our experiences have shaped us.
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It involves embracing our flaws, learning to be kind to ourselves and making conscious decisions about who we want to be, how we’re going to get there and putting boundaries in place to maintain our sense of self when necessary.
Rediscovering who you are is a whole lot of fun though, and when we’ve mastered it, we can enjoy better self-esteem and confidence, better relationships, greater joy and even more success at the things that matter to us.
Do you fancy joining me on this journey to self-discovery? If so, you can pick up my book, 30 Steps to Finding Yourself: An Interactive Journal to Self Discovery
