Have you retired your desire? Side-lined intimacy? Would you rather have a cup of tea and a Garibaldi than sign up for bedroom gymnastics?
Well, if you think being older always equates to apathy about such things, then new research by KYN Care Homes suggests otherwise.
It reveals 30% of people over the age of 70 say they are intimate ten or more times a month. This compares to 36% of those aged 18-69. Wow.
© Rosie GreenBut if that’s not you and you are currently favouring the biscuit option, know you are not alone.
For many midlifers, exhausted by caring for children, work demands and endless life admin, sex is the last thing on the to-do list. Ditto boomers juggling older parents, health problems and body confidence issues.
I get it. But it took me a divorce to understand how important intimacy is to a relationship and thus your happiness.
Just as we are now working out how vital it is to keep our minds calm and our bodies flexible and fit, we are understanding how key sexual wellness is to fulfilment.
READ: Ask a life coach: I'm newly single at 52 –how do I begin dating?
When I was researching my book, I examined all the reasons my marriage failed (more fun than it sounds, I promise) and this was one area where I recognised connection was compromised.
I discovered there are psychological reasons that mean keeping sexual excitement in a long-term marriage is hard. Everything is familiar and secure – basically a water bucket on desire, which thrives on the opposite.
The experts say the way to keep connected is talking. I know it’s easy to put your head in the sand and avoid the (potentially uncomfortable) conversation, but it’s essential. You might be just confirming you are both happy with the status quo, but there’s often someone who feels hard done by while another feels put upon. Dissatisfaction can brew.
You might – gasp! – have to initiate this chat. Hard, because for women of midlife and beyond we’ve been conditioned that good girls don’t talk, or even think, about sex. As Goop’s former chief content officer Elise Loehnen said on Gwyneth Paltrow’s Netflix documentary: "We have been taught not only not to name our desires but not even to acknowledge we have them." Hmm.
Let me end on a twist. My marriage ending was not fun, but there was a massive gain to be had in that it made me see myself as a sexual being for the first time in decades.
Suddenly I was desired and desirous. When life gives you lemons...
What divorce taught me about keeping desire alive in a relationship
You need to boost your sexual currency
Sexual currency is where you actively position yourself and your partner as desirable. Tell each other you are attractive. Send flirty messages. Keep the mystery.
Deviate from your sexual shorthand
Sexual shorthand describes the pattern you always fall into in the bedroom with a long-term partner. Same place, same time, same same. Shake it up. Even if you feel vulnerable.
Know confidence, not the perfect body, is sexy
Psychologist Karen Gurney told me that body image is the number one sexual concern for women.
Well, here’s the thing: it’s not about the perfect body – I know Victoria’s Secret models who are still riddled with insecurity. I learnt from my time on the dating scene that the sexiest thing is confidence.
Love midlife? Join Second Act today!
HELLO! originally launched its Second Act hub to reframe midlife and beyond as a celebratory, exciting new chapter full of endless possibilities. From inspirational tales of women who refuse to fade into the background, to valuable advice on navigating relationships, finances and health issues – we've featured them all. And such has been the overwhelmingly positive response from readers, we are now turning the hub into a FULL and FREE community where women like you can come together to shape something truly inspiring.
The cornerstones of the community will be two brand new newsletters. One monthly and one weekly. We are really excited about the monthly newsletter which will be themed and written by one of our roster of leading Second Act voices, including our editor at large, Rosie Green. The content will be reserved exclusively for Second Act subscribers.
We are also launching a monthly mentoring series, in the form of a five-minute video sent directly to your inbox featuring financial professionals, hormone specialists, life coaches and more. Again, it will be reserved exclusively for subscribers.
Below we have listed the inaugural benefits, and more will be added as we grow and shape the community. If you wish to help us shape our community, please take part in our one-slide survey here.
Member benefits
- Monthly newsletter written by one of our Second Act experts
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- Monthly mentoring videos
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- Lots of exciting benefits to come...
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