If you're fed up of endlesly swiping through dating apps, feeling like you're never going to meet your person, perhaps it’s time for a little self-reflection.
As a confidence and mindset coach, it's my job to help women feel empowered and in control of their lives, especially when it comes to dating.
I'm no stranger to being single, looking for love and navigating the (very) complex world of modern dating. What I have learnt through years of working with women searching for love, is that while we are all beautifully individual as humans, we're all incredibly connected in the way we think.
So often, the obstacles women face when searching for a partner are almost the same as everyone else's. You might think you are alone with your thoughts, feel embarrassed by them or too ashamed to say them out loud. But I am here to reassure you – you are not alone.
These are the top three reasons you might be single and ways to overcome them.
Is this why you're single?
1. You are too easily influenced by others
For some reason, being single seems to make others think that you are desperately in need of advice and suggestions as to how to find a partner. Well-meaning family members encourage you to join the latest dating apps or, 'Let your hair down', colleagues tell you to, 'Go on another date and see how you feel' and your kids tell you you're being too fussy.
Is it any wonder that all this unsolicited advice is leading to confusion and overwhelm, not to mention feeling judged and like you're not trying hard enough?
READ: After my 11-year relationship ended I jumped headfirst into dating - here’s what I learned
Do yourself a favour and cut out the noise. While it may be helpful to seek advice from those closest to you, try not to take it as gospel. Too many cooks spoil the broth!
2. You secretly believe you're not good enough
I say secretly, because this can be a hard one to admit – to anyone else, but especially to yourself. As women, we tend to be conditioned from a very early age to believe that we're not good enough, in one way or another.
This might look like not feeling pretty, funny or smart enough. So how does this manifest in real time? By leading you to believe you're not worthy of love.
Perhaps you think that you don't deserve a good, kind and loving partner. Let me assure you - this deep-rooted, low self-esteem is a surefire way to attract the wrong person.
It's likely that if you look back at your previous relationships, there's a common thread with attachment styles, bad behavior or difficulty communicating. If there are patterns you see with your ex-partners (that you don’t like!), then it's time to make a change.
READ: This dating app green flag guarantees you more matches
What is it about you that is attracting the same type of person? Can you link this to low self-esteem or negative self-worth? If you don't think you deserve love, you will find difficulty receiving it.
So what can you do start building up your confidence? Do you need to learn to love being alone? Do you need to challenge your perspective on relationships and what they should entail? What changes can you make, or stories can you let go of that are limiting you or holding you back?
Getting your mindset in-check and developing a strong sense of self will give you a much better chance of attracting someone who is right for you – a person who is worthy of your time, attention and love.
3. You're stuck in a cycle of comparison
This is one we're all guilty of in one way or another, and thanks to social media, it's painfully easy to do on a subconscious level – so we often don’t even realise we're doing it!
It's no secret that society has led us to believe that being in a relationship is better than being single. We live in a world obsessed with the concept that marriage is good, and being alone is bad.
This mindset alone will set you off down a very slippery path. Those who believe that being in a relationship is better than being alone will end up in relationships that don't truly serve them.
It's the perfect mindset to have if you're looking for a sub-par situationship, feeling unfilled or lost.
READ: How can I navigate feeling left behind by my friend's pregnancy?
I personally would much rather be happy by myself, than tied to someone that isn't right for me. So please, stop comparing yourself to everything you see online. Stop believing you would be happier if you had a partner.
Do not be worn down to lower your standards just to tick the box of 'having a partner'. Learning to love being single and finding peace with that is the absolute greatest gift you can give yourself.
Looking for love
My greatest piece of advice for those looking for love, is to stop and ask yourself, 'Am I really ready?'
You need to be clear on what exactly it is you;re looking for, before you go off on your search. It's a big world out there, and if you've just come out of a long relationship, it's likely that the dating scene is very different from what it used to be!
I implore you to do the work. Learn to love being alone - it doesn't have to mean being lonely. Let go of your past, heal your wounds and don't carry any unnecessary baggage forward.
READ: My relationship ended the day I announced my engagement – here's what happened
Your vibe attracts your tribe – so coming from a content, secure, happy place will truly set you up for success. Confidence is king. Know your worth and don't settle for anything less than the best.
If any of these patterns sound familiar, working with a coach is a great place to start. Together we will challenge your perspective, enhance your mindset and build your confidence. Trust me - I've helped hundreds of women do the same. Looking for love shouldn't be such a challenge, so let's make it fun again!
I offer 1:1 sessions with clients, doing exactly this. If you're interested in a free 45-minute consultation, you can book directly with me here.
