She's the ray of sunshine on Strictly Come Dancing who's always bursting with positivity and energy. But behind her joyful persona, Karen Hauer has been battling her own mental health issues since she was a teenager. Her trauma stemmed from her dad walking out on the family when she was younger, but as therapy proved, she had other issues to uncover.
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Scarlett Moffatt guest edits our Mental Health Digital Issue
"There were so many layers – from abandonment to insecurity to jealousy," Karen tells HELLO! for our Mental Health Digital Issue, guest-edited by Scarlett Moffatt. "I'm a Latina who was raised in New York. I'm feisty, naturally. And when you put a little bit of trauma with that, that's chaos. It causes havoc."
In our exclusive chat, the Strictly pro goes as far as to admit she probably would have given up dancing because of her anger issues – "I had no internal peace," she says – while also revealing how therapy saved her life and her career.
© Photo: RexKaren's therapy sessions uncovered her issues with abandonment, insecurity and jealousy
Karen, you started going to therapy 15 years ago. Have you always been so in tune with your mental health or was there a turning point that made you want to start counselling?
"I think the first time that I stepped into a therapist's office was when I was 25, and I was going through my first divorce. I had a lot of issues that I knew I had to deal with that I'd never really faced. I was shying away from it with work and pretty much just sticking my head in the sand.
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"It was an amicable divorce, but it was still very heartbreaking because he was my childhood sweetheart. So, it was like letting go of a comfort blanket and then knowing that I had to face all my demons and my real self and work through all of these issues that I knew I had. I took myself to therapy and it was one of the scariest things that I have ever done for myself, but I'm glad I took the jump.
"I was living in New Jersey at the time. I was in my car and my session was about to start and I couldn't get out of the car because I was crying and I was shaking. But once I went in – because I didn't know what to expect, how the session would go and how much I would have to reveal from the get-go – but once I sat down in that chair, I made it through. I just started talking and then from there, that's where my process and my journey in therapy started and I began to take care of myself mentally."
© Photo: Getty Images"I had no internal peace," Karen admits
How did that first session go?
"I felt really sick. You have so much in you and so much to say that you don't know where to start. It was that feeling you get when you have a stomach ache and then you finally throw up and you feel better. You have these waves of feeling good and feeling bad until you actually start stabilising. For me, the more I went, the more I started feeling better.
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"My world wasn't fixed after that first session. It was a transition. I needed time to settle into my new structure in my brain, and to adjust to the fact that I hadn't spoken to anybody about any of my issues for 25 years. When I was in my teens, that's when I started feeling a bit strange and started learning more about myself. When I got a little bit older, I had really bad bouts of anger and feeling down and not feeling like I belonged or feeling any worth. I had to let go of those emotions so I was going to therapy at least three times a week in the beginning and then from there, I started stabilising.
"The first session is the hardest and the most important thing is finding the therapist who's right for you who can give you the tools to heal. I only realised that when I started working with different therapists. I had about three or four until I had one that really helped me burst the bubble and disconnect from my traumas. That was Camilla Dallerup; she changed my world. I wish I had started therapy earlier, but I don't regret starting at the time that I did."
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What did you learn about yourself through therapy? What issues did you uncover?
"At the beginning, I just knew I was angry and sad because of the abandonment of my father and seeing the struggles my Mum had to go through. But I took that on myself, in a way that I shouldn't ever had because it wasn't my fault.
"There were so many layers – from abandonment to insecurity to jealousy. Once you start uncovering your issues in the past, there are layers that you have to fix and talk about. Things that I never realised that I had, like the struggles I had as a kid and then going into dancing and feeling like an outcast. There were so many different things."
The professional dancer says she is much more content now
Photography: @blakeezrastudio. Make up: @ayeletgarsonmua
How comfortable are you talking about your issues now?
"Much better, much better than before. Now that I'm an adult… you don't know your parents and what happened, but as a child, you always blame yourself. And maybe you feel like you could have done something different to help their relationship. But at the same time, they were adults and things happen and people make decisions and people make mistakes.
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"So I feel now that I'm able to not feel anger or resentment because I've let go of it. It wasn't my fault that my parents split up and unfortunately it impacted the kids. But I've realised that whatever was happening at the time to my parents, that was their issue that they needed to deal with. I carried it with me but at the end of it all, it wasn't because of me."
Where would you be now if you hadn't gone through therapy?
"You know what? I would be really angry still. I'm a Latina who was raised in New York. I'm feisty, naturally. And when you put a little bit of trauma with that, that's chaos. It causes havoc.
"I think I wouldn't have the career that I have now. I think I wouldn't be where I am now if I hadn't dealt with my issues. And I'm still dealing with issues, but I've evolved and I think that's what the hardest thing is at first, is acknowledging and surrendering to your issues and going, 'Okay I have a problem.'
"I would probably still be in the Bronx, which is a cool place, don't get me wrong, but I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I feel at ease, I know myself better because I went through all of that. I wouldn't be in a good place, definitely not. I probably would have given up dancing because I would have been so unhappy with myself that nothing would have mattered, nothing would have given me peace because I had no internal peace. It's not a nice feeling to think that.
© Photo: Getty ImagesKaren admits she probably would have given up dancing had she not gone to therapy
"I probably wouldn't have gotten opportunities because I would have messed everything up. I wouldn't have gotten hired for any jobs because of my anger issues and not knowing how to deal with myself. I was able to be on Broadway, So You Think You Can Dance and then I landed Strictly, but I wouldn't have had those chances if I didn't have the right attitude, in my opinion.
"There's a lot of people who work in our industry who have horrible attitudes, but they get away with it, but I probably would have not gotten away with it because I probably wouldn't have let myself get away with it.
"It's taken years, I'm not out of the woods. I'm not the happiest person in the world. I have my rubbish days but I know myself better now. Storms always pass, they never stay. It's the same with down days or negative emotions and it's nice to know those feelings won't always linger."
Was it taboo to go to therapy back in the day when you started your process?
"Definitely. I remember wanting to talk, even when I was 15, but I felt weird. I've never been one of the popular girls at school, I was never one of the cool kids. Back in the day, I was shy, I kept to myself and I didn't know how to express myself. I didn't want anybody to think that there was something wrong with me, that I was different, but I knew I was different.
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"I didn't want anybody to know about it or see me in a completely different way, which is why I kept quiet. I was hurting on my own without even telling my Mum, my brother, or my sister, because once my Dad left the picture, I never really saw him again. I was carrying around this tumour of angst and hurt but I thought if I kept it in, it will just go away and nobody will know about my issues. I also didn't want to be anybody's burden."
Are you still going to therapy now?
"The first session I had with Camilla was in 2015 and I stayed with her for a couple of years. But now I only do sessions when I'm feeling heavy or when there's a lot going on in my head. She gave me some amazing tools – writing, meditating – because I didn't want to be completely dependent on always needing someone to talk to. I'm trying not to be co-dependent on a therapist because I'm very good at being co-dependent in certain relationships.
"Camilla helped me navigate my own way. Nowadays, I feel more confident because I've let go of all the major things that I was dealing with, which wasn't easy. But I am more at ease with myself and my feelings."
© Photo: Instagram"Exercise makes me feel like a million bucks," she says
Do you find that your workload affects your mental health?
"I used to have therapy sessions with Camilla three to four times a week, especially when I was deep in Strictly and on tours. I needed my crutch and someone to help me because it can get very intense mentally. Physically, I'm used to the pain. But I'm not used to the mental pain and that intensity.
"But now going into a season of Strictly, I'm clearer about how I'm going to deal with it. I protect my energy and I stay away from certain things and certain people that I don't need to have in my life because I feel better being on my own, instead of having that negative energy.
"I focus on myself and my body. When I do have those low days I look at myself in the mirror and I go to my checklist: am I comparing myself to others? Am I judging myself? Am I feeling like I'm not good enough? Especially in my industry, it's easy to compare yourself to others and then you start feeling bad about yourself, that you're not doing better or you're not doing more. But it's the realisation that you're doing just what you're supposed to be doing and that's okay.
"Our industry is all filters and gloss and there's a lot of pressure being in the spotlight, which can be detrimental to your mental health because of all the expectations. The only expectation you should have is to continue living the best that you can. You're not perfect."
© Photo: InstagramKaren hopes to start a family with her partner Jordan Jones Williams
Do you exercise for your mental health as well as for your dancing career?
"Absolutely. I love working out. I love sweating. It makes me feel productive, it makes me feel energized. It makes me feel like a million bucks but at the same time, I don't do it just for the physicality of it. I'm getting older. I'm not 22 years old anymore. I'm 40. I'm proud that I have this body that I can train and mould and take care of. I work out so that I can have a longer career, live longer and feel better about myself."
You've just turned 40. What are you hoping for in your next decade?
"I'm happy in my relationship and I'm happy with myself. I have an amazing career and a lovely job. I don't have everything, but I don't need everything. I have just enough. I'm content. I'm in a good place. The next best thing for me would be to have kids. I think it's one of the scariest things for women but now I couldn't think of a better or a more special thing. I have a lot of friends who have kids and I always thought that wasn't going to be for me, but here I am going, 'Yes, I'm ready now.'"
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