It's been an agonizing four months for Allison Holker who has been raising the three children she shared with late husband Stephen tWitch Boss in the wake of his death.
The professional dancer has now opened up in her first interview since Stephen died by suicide in a bid to help others who might be silently suffering.
Speaking to People, Allison revealed it is the simple day to day things that she misses most about Stephen since his death on December 13. "We'd have so many random conversations, and there was so much laughter," the dancer and TV host told the outlet about family life with their daughters Weslie, 14, and Zaia, three, and son Maddox, seven, when tWitch was alive.
"Our love was so real and so loud. We always told people our house was like a choreographed dance."
The adored Ellen DeGeneres Show deejay and executive producer's suicide at 40 left fans in shock. Allison confessed she had no idea that he was battling depression and mental illness .
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READ: Stephen tWitch Boss laid to rest in small ceremony
"No one had any inkling that he was low. He didn't want people to know. He just wanted to be everyone's Superman and protector."
The days are understandably challenging for Allison who misses Stephen and her old family dynamic every day. "It's been really hard because I can't understand what was happening in that moment [he died]," she added.
Allison - who met her husband in 2010 when they appeared as All-Stars on Fox's series, So You Think You Can Dance - wants people to remember him as the wonderful person she married.
"Stephen brought so much joy to this world, and he deserves to be remembered as the beautiful man he was," she told People.
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She has now launched the Move with Kindness Foundation in his honor to support mental health initiatives. "We always hear, 'Reach out to the strongest people,' and I believe in that. But I also want the messaging to be that if you're feeling low or depressed, it's okay to lean on someone else," she said. "Trust that people are still going to see you as that light even in your darkest moments."
Since her loss, Allison has been inundated with support and messages. "I've had so many people — specifically men — reaching out to me, saying how they were so affected because they didn't realize how much they were holding on to and not expressing," the mom-of-three added.
"I found that to be a lot to hold on to at first, but then I realized I want people to feel safe talking to me and to open up and understand that we have to support each other in these moments. "I could allow myself to go to a really dark place right now, and that would be valid and fine," she added. "But I want to choose a different way for myself and the kids."
As for the lessons she's teaching her children? "That if you're angry or sad, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. We're coping together, and that requires trust and being really vulnerable."
Allison described a recent conversation she had with Stephen as she looked up at the night sky. "Stars are so important to me because that's where we believe he is. I knew I wanted to have him find peace," she said. "I was under the stars by myself and I told him, 'I forgive you, and I hope you're with us.' Talking to him and expressing all those emotions of forgiveness and sadness but also love and joy was so healing."
Dance brought Allison and Stephen together (they were fellow competitors and then veterans on FOX's So You Think You Can Dance) and she can't bring herself to return to her passion just yet. "I haven't danced yet. That's gonna be a big step for me," she says, "but I know that I'll get there. He's guiding me on this path."
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988, text "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741741 or go to 988lifeline.org.
