I have spent most of the night staring at my ceiling, contemplating how a guy who wonders out loud if he has skid marks, another who tells the villa at large that he needs to ‘drop the kids off at the pool’, and another who feels legitimately threatened by a girl who is career-driven, could possibly be the object of desire and torment for the utter babes that they have on Love Island this year.
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So instead of penning a letter to ITV2’s casting agents, then to OFCOM, then to Cupid himself for allowing such a shambles, I am venting on the internet. Without further ado, here is my review of Monday’s Love Island, also titled The Vindication for the Rights of (Love Island) Women.
WATCH: Love Island 2021: Our verdict on the dramatic recoupling
The doomed love story of Faye and Biscuit
My cat Harold had an obsession with catching a fly in the living room last night. He wandered around trying to find out where it was, occasionally running when he heard a buzzing noise, then stopping again, confused. And why am I telling you this? Because watching Harold was more interesting than Faye and Brad’s brunch date.
Faye and Biscuit getting through brunch
I have absolute faith that, coupled with the right person, Faye would be an absolute Love Island hall of Famer. Instead she has to deal with this biscuit, Liam. His nickname is literally that, ‘Biscuit’. Not even Hob Knob. Not even Bourbon. And why, you ask, is his nickname ‘Biscuit’? Because, dear reader, he likes biscuits. Yeah.
Take Faye to Casa Amor NOW or I will.
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Will somebody liberate Liberty?
Jake wants a petite blonde, but not Liberty. Like, Liberty’s alright for now, but when someone else comes in, he’ll be on her like a shot. The moral of this story? Jake has already got his type (with a great personality to boot) in the palm of his hand. But it’ll never be enough, as The Greatest Showman soundtrack would say.
Someone tweeted this, and I couldn’t have put it better: “What’s frustrating is that Jake and Liberty actually do seem compatible. I don’t even think he’s not attracted to her. Men just want to have all the options in the world and sit on their ass whilst the woman is putting in work #LoveIsland.”
Protect Liberty at all costs
Also, the fact that Jake has told all the boys that he isn’t really that into Liberty, and yet they all cheered him on and made sex jokes when they went into the hideaway was just ugh. Producers need to have a word.
Oh Rachel
Cue the ‘pretends to be shocked’ memes, because Rachel went with her gut and let’s face it - her eyes - and chose Brad over Cuddles and Hugs (I’ll buy a bucket hat off you Chuggs, arrivederci), and he dropped her faster than you can say ‘but you said she was a bit of you’. Of course Brad then encouraged her to chat to other people. Of course. Can we please have the Ovie’s, the Chris’s and Tommy’s of the Love Island franchise put in there already? We didn’t survive a pandemic to witness these levels of disrespect.
Brad 'a bit of me' McClelland lives to graft another day
NOTES
• I’m entirely uninvested in this relationship, but Aaron feeling threatened by Sharon’s career-driven nature and desire for a lime green car is so tiring. Does this man not have one female friend who told him what was what before he went in? That Sharon being unapologetically herself should be something to be applauded? Aaron I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed. Actually I’m also angry.
Buy her the lime green car, Aaron
• I’ve enjoyed Hugo and Chloe’s chilled vibes and laid back energy, which makes the preview for the next episode VERY alarming. What did Hugo do?! Everyone is so mad at him!
• Does anyone think the Love Island producers might be low-key panicking that they've got a lawsuit on their hands with Liberty and Faye's now-pink and blue hair?
• Toby and Kaz. I mean, I like that he’s SAID he was invested in the relationship, but do I BELIEVE it? Casa Amor is going to be utterly chaotic this year. No one is gonna be loyal, babes.
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