Guys, the struggle is real. You have no idea how laborious a task it is to look THIS good…1. Eyebrows. When you have that one perfectly arched brow and the other just won’t play ball. Like the ugly twin sister that only gets more hideous out of bitterness and jealousy.
2. Mascara. The ‘all or nothing’ friend. Either she gives you everything and you look feline, wide-eyed and doll-like, or she stabs you in the back (or eye) with clumps, smudges and flakes.3. Lipstick. “Oh, I love you in red lipstick”, he says. Oh, you love crimson-stained teeth and lips drier than the Saharan desert too do you? Here, let me.
4. Nail polish. Because don’t think I didn’t spot you eyeing up my chipped manicure. Yes it looks cheap, but nor did I notice you helping to load the dishwasher last night.5. Cellulite. It happens to us all once we teeter past 20, some earlier. Why they haven’t invited a real life version of facetune, we will never understand. Airbrush me now.6. Curling Irons. You think my curls woke up like this? No. They came from an hour wrestling with a tong that’s hotter than the sun, and yes that is a BURN on my neck Mum!
7. Shaving. T-minus one hour till that date and you realise your legs currently resemble those of a mountain goat, cue last minute de-fuzzing over the bath. The result? A rash akin to wearing a nappy and don’t get us started on the chafing every time your thighs slap together.8. Waxing. From “Ok, turn over onto all fours for me”, to “life your leg up as high as you can”, and let’s not forget, “it’s just not coming off, please try to relax”.9. Washing your hair. Where do we start? From the greasy roots if we don’t wash it every day, to the 45 minute blow-drying time if we do, to the onslaught of frizz when invariably it rains again, to the sheer bank breaking cost of the stuff itself. “Shave it off if you hate it that much”, he jokes. Idiot.
10. Eyeliner. Because winging it, quite literally, was never a good idea.11. Facewipes. Because you want to wake up looking fresh, baby-faced and glowing? Reality: you look like The Joker.12. Contouring. Kimmy K, you have a lot to answer for. We’re 15 layers deep in dark foundation and we still don’t see a cheekbone…
13. Dry Shampoo. Cause he dragged you to the gym at 7am for ‘Dry January detox’ and you couldn’t spare the 45 minutes to blow-dry your hair. So you sprayed a whole can of the dry stuff and now your hair is greyer than your grans.14. Spots. And they only appear before the most important event of the year. “Crushed up aspirin mixed with water works,” you say? “Toothpaste over the top always does it”, she advises. Bin bag we say.
