I hit puberty quite late, which many might consider a blessing in disguise but I actually think it was the root cause of my body issues growing up.
I was totally flat-chested and petite until my mid-teens then rapidly began to fill out when I hit 18, and my confidence spiralled downwards from there.
I was competitively dancing at the time, having been in classical ballet training from the age of five. I was awarded a scholarship scheme for weekend training at a London contemporary and ballet school, was competing in national competitions monthly, and spent most of my spare time training or performing outside of my studies.
As a child, I loved being front and centre
Spending up to eight hours a day in front of a mirror, most of which in a leotard, was hell for my mental health as my curves began to develop.
I went from always wanting to be front and centre and loving the spotlight to crying before classes, refusing to go on stage, and eventually giving up dancing completely soon after my 18th birthday. It all came down to my sudden lack of confidence - something I still regret.
I stopped dancing due to a sudden lack of confidence
I've never gone back to ballet, but having the courage to get back on stage was the turning point in learning to accept myself.
I wouldn't say I had a eureka moment that ended my body issues. I'm not sure if it was reaching maturity or a realisation that this was the body I'd been given and I needed to embrace it if I wanted to break out of this depressing cycle of feeling embarrassed about my shape.
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When I was 22 and in the second year of studying for my MA, I felt confident enough to go back to doing what I loved and on a whim auditioned for a role in Chicago.
I finally felt comfortable to return to the stage when I was 22
During the show, I wore a lace playsuit and showgirl leotard and performed to hundreds of people, and finally felt comfortable in myself.
We went into lockdown a week after the show run ended. It was the perfect time to shut down and reflect on my achievement and how I wanted to change my relationship with my body moving forward.
I had to go back to basics and remind myself that my body serves a purpose and isn't here purely to look good in a leotard.
Appreciating myself has boosted my confidence
My curvy figure may not have been right for a professional ballerina, but it's great for so many other things and is what makes me, me.
Appreciating myself as I am has made a major difference in my confidence. Growing up I was constantly conscious that I had to remain a certain size to fit into costumes and look "aesthetically pleasing" on stage, but now that I've quit that mindset, I'm too busy enjoying life and appreciating my family, friends and opportunities than getting upset about my weight!
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