It’s strange to think that there was a 'me' before my mental health diagnosis. A me who couldn't possibly have imagined how many highs and lows were to come - or how many times I’d come back fighting.
This year marks a decade since I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression and a panic disorder - and two years since I found my own way to navigate the lows.
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My panic attacks began in my early teens on public transport. At the time I had no clue what was happening to me, but they soon became common, and what was once a small-scale thing slowly started to creep into every area of my life.
Heading to and from college? A panic attack. Seeing my favourite band at the time, The Wanted, playing The Roundhouse in Camden? A panic attack. While no panic attack is ever fun, this one saw paramedics take me backstage for observations and ultimately bump into the guys from The Wanted, but that’s a story for another day.
Vanese has struggled with her mental health since her teens
Years passed and after much trial and error, I finally found something that truly uplifts my spirits after a bad bout of mental health.
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Surprisingly, it’s not therapy or antidepressants (despite both being saviours) - it’s beauty and the different elements of it that I have incorporated into my everyday life.
I established my skincare routine at a time when I was struggling in the midst of the pandemic. The UK had just gone into lockdown and it was near impossible to get a doctor's appointment to talk about my mental health, which made things incredibly difficult.
Vanese's mental health took a dip during the pandemic
When you’re clouded with suicidal thoughts, having a GP to turn to is always a comforting option, but with doctor’s surgeries becoming a complete no-go for most people, I had to reassure myself that I was ok and could handle it on my own.
Battling with my mind and not letting my brain go into overdrive was a mission in itself, and I realised I needed to find something that could give me control back, even if it was just for a few minutes a day. And this is where beauty came into the equation.
I became obsessed with TikTok and YouTube videos about mental health and self-care. Despite spending weeks on end in bed, I thought a skincare routine could encourage me to get up in the morning - even if it meant getting straight back into bed afterwards.
A skincare regime helped Vanese take hold of her day
I finetuned my skincare routine and perfected it for my normal-to-dry skin type. It was originally an extensive regimen that included cleanser, toner, essence, serums, eye cream, face masks, moisturisers and face oils.
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Even if I only managed to do one step in my routine, I was proud of myself - but the same can be said for days when all I could do was reach for a pack of face wipes. It’s about being gentle with myself.
On dark days, I still find that it’s the thought of how refreshed I feel after doing my skincare routine, or the giddy feeling when I put on my favourite blue eyeliner, that helps me to kickstart my day and tune out any self-doubt.
Vanese's trademark blue liner kickstarts her day
I’ve documented several times on social media and through my writing how beauty has had a positive impact on my mental health and it always surprises me how much it resonates with other people.
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I have to remind myself that even in the loneliest of times, there are millions of people who relate to my mental health struggle and if it’s a new beauty launch or new beauty trend that brings us all together, then so be it.
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