It was right about the time I was in Holland Park, wrapped in a vast yellow cape and nothing else, attempting to pose in heels on a pile of logs in zero-degree weather when I thought, 'sod this.'
My route into modelling was an unconventional one. When I was 15, I was on a scuba diving holiday with my family. Our diving instructor, who was also a makeup artist, asked me if I could help her build up a portfolio by modelling for her. As a lanky teenager who was always a head taller than her friends (and all the boys she knew – welp), the opportunity seemed wildly glamorous and impossible to turn down. Photoshoot on a beach at sunset in the Caribbean? Sign me up.
To this date, that first photo shoot was the glossiest I have experienced. It was also the only shoot where I didn't think twice about how my body looked. Of course, this being a piece about modelling, you already know this was set to change.
© Cara KealyBeing a teenage girl is already difficult enough to navigate. Your body is rapidly changing. Gone were the days of my pre-teen skinny stature, replaced by awkward curves that would become my arch nemesis.
Now, put these issues under the microscopic lens of a camera or the eagle-eyed vision of an agent - and they balloon.
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This isn't a new narrative for models. It would be difficult to find a model who had never been subject to body image issues. Quite simply, you are there to make the clothes look good, and your body 'should' adapt to whatever the call sheet requires.
So, my school summers consisted of trekking to Seven Sisters, Hackney or the King's Road for castings, clutching my model agency tote bag jam-packed with my book, two pairs of heels, three pairs of matching underwear and a portable charger, and waiting for up to three hours to be seen, scrutinized and swiftly shown out by a casting director.
I wasn't a successful model. Despite landing a feature in Vogue Italia and a few snippets for fashion week in Vogue Runway, my bank account never reaped the rewards of the job. Balancing school and modelling was difficult in itself, but deep down I knew I wasn't thin enough.
My physique was never quite right. Too curvy for runway, not toned enough for swimwear. Too commercial for editorial, not Caucasian enough for international work. I couldn't get highlights, a tan, a haircut or a piercing without asking permission first.
Looking back, I couldn't dedicate my life to a modelling career, and I don't think I really wanted to out of stubbornness, as I did all the aforementioned things. As agents will often remind you, "modelling is not a career, it's a lifestyle."
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A model never has full autonomy over their body. It's akin to a clothes hanger and subject to change at the behest of the client. This was certainly the case for the agent who told me: "I don't want to tell you to lose weight, because that sounds negative, but you need to lose three inches off your hips," or the photographer who had me pose topless at 16 while covered in body paint during one of my first shoots ever.
To my first agent's credit, she was fiercely opposed to ever telling a model to lose weight and this was a huge help.
Yet, the more I was told to lose weight or given the side-eye for having *deep breath* 35-inch hips, by other agents or casting crews, the more it fuelled a sense of defiance within me that the industry was wrong, not my body. At 5'10 and size 6, I knew I wasn't too 'fat'. And while it did get to me, I recognised the absurdity of the cycle.
Even superstar models face these issues and have only just started to speak out against the industry. Last week, model and socialite Lady Jean Campbell took to social media to share a throwback polaroid photo of herself in underwear, having been "cancelled from a job by a huge brand for being too big." Her frame was clearly anything but big.
The post was reshared by the likes of Victoria's Secret model Elsa Hosk, who also detailed her experience of flying halfway across the world to be told she was 'too big' for a job. She additionally noted how models are pigeonholed into being super skinny or plus-sized, leaving little work opportunity for the girls who sit in between.
Names including Naomi Campbell, Georgia May Jagger, Poppy Delevingne, Adwoa Aboah, Meadow Walker and more also flocked to support Jean, proving that anger is simmering under the surface for even the most successful of models.
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© George ShelleyLuckily the fashion food chain is evolving. Designers are producing larger sample sizes, casting directors are under increasing pressure to diversify their line-ups and agents are seeing the benefits of signing more plus-size and petite models (typically 5'6 and under.) But there's still a long way to go – and the disapproving stare of the agent as I posed for polaroids in a bikini still stings.
Modelling gave me valuable insight into the fashion world, one in which I'm building a career as a fashion writer. For that, I will always be thankful. It also helped me to curate a network of creatives, many of whom are still friends today.
Most importantly, modelling instilled in me the fact that I would never be fully welcomed in the industry – so why care what its regulators think of my body? Or anyone else for that matter.
So, I parked the modelling career, leaving behind a series of both joyful and jarring memories spanning wholesome home test shoots to being yelled at by photographers because I couldn't walk in clog heels, and headed off to find something packed with carbs.
And I'm sure one day when I'm old and swathed in wrinkles, I will look back with a sense of pride, not at the time when I had it in me to step onto a runway, but when I knew it was time to step off.
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