Whether it's our friends, family or partner, it's normal to be emotionally dependent on other people in our lives and to rely on them to make us happy – but being able make ourselves happy will create inner peace – and who doesn't want that?
Why do we rely on others for happiness?
"In a world where connection is key, it's only natural to seek validation and acceptance from those around us," confirms relationship coach Manj Bahra. In fact, our reliance on others links back to ancient times, adds life coach and author of How To Say No, Michelle Elman, who explains: "Since humans are social creatures and for so long we existed in groups, it actually was key to our survival to be accepted as one of the group."
Manj continues: "These instincts still guide us today, deeply embedded in our minds. We instinctively turn to others to find a sense of security, leading us to experience joy and contentment."
© GettyGiven that we've relied on others for our happiness since the beginning on time, you might wonder why it's an issue.
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An inability to make ourselves happy is often linked to low self-confidence, low self-esteem and low self-worth, explains psychotherapist Anna Mathur, author of Raising a Happier Mother. "Seeking validation from others can feel like an exhausting pursuit, meaning we might struggle to maintain healthy boundaries in order to seek more approval," Anna says, adding that when we can find happiness away from others, we also find it easier to receive criticism and opinion.
How to stop relying on others for happiness
The first step in creating our own happiness is being self-aware enough to recognise you are looking to someone else to fulfill something that you are capable of, says Michelle.
Transformation coach Mhairi Todd notes we must be gentle with ourselves in our pursuit of creating our own happiness. "It is not uncommon to become emotionally dependent on significant others and the reason you find yourself in that place deserves to be understood and validated," she says.
"Before doing anything else, it's important to acknowledge any shame or self-judgment that comes up when you realise this dependency and set it to one side.
"Shame is destructive because when it arises it acts like a full stop. It kills introspection and self-compassion. How do you step past it? Get curious," Mhairi advises.
She suggests following a few prompts in your quest to uncover the emotions/events and experiences which have led to you developing relationships as a way to access happiness. "That in turn will help to build your self-worth," she says.
- As a kid, I sought validation from... because...
- My experience of that made me feel...
- The problems I can see in my friendships currently are...
- If I reflect on my past, these problems may be linked to...
- My idea of a healthy friendship now is...
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How to make yourself happy
1. Change your focus
"If you can pay attention to how you are making yourself proud each day, it's a great way to train your brain to be more internally focused when it comes to validation," says Michelle.
© Getty2. Go back to basics
Manj recommends simplifying your approach to happiness. "Instead of spending countless hours searching for your true love, passion, or purpose, simplify your approach," he says.
"Dedicate time to doing things you genuinely enjoy, as they hold the potential to unlock the path towards fulfillment. By embracing simplicity, you'll find that everything falls into place effortlessly."
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Michelle agrees, adding: "Create more time in your schedule for hobbies and activities that are purely joy-filled and don’t need to serve any productive goal.
© Getty3. Own your alone time
"Often when we rely on our friends for happiness, it makes being alone really difficult, says Mhairi.
"Practice being on your own in a way that feels good. When I split with my ex-husband I suddenly had all this time on my own and it was so confronting. Despite having never been a morning person, I found myself waking daily at 5.30 am and feeling such anxiety that I couldn't go back to sleep.
© Shutterstock"I gave myself permission to use this time in a way that felt good; I tried out every exercise class London had to offer, putting the early rise to positive use for my body and mind. It was such an empowering experience and in the end I found exercise that I actually loved and that became the way I made time alone good for me.
"Identify some hobbies or interests you've always been keen to explore and start making a date with yourself to do just that."
4. Get to know yourself
"When we rely heavily on others, it's easy to lose a true sense of self," Mhairi says. "Get to know yourself again. An easy place to start with this is to try free personality profiling tools such as the VIA institute character strengths survey or DISC test. Focus on the strengths these highlight within you and start noticing how you use these on a day-to-day basis.
"Journaling is also a brilliant tool for deepening your relationship with yourself, as well as helping you find safety in stillness and time alone. If you've never done this before you could try these five prompts as a start:
1. On a scale of 1 to 10 my mental health is at a … because …
2. What do I need to forgive myself for and why?
3. 10 ways I can start taking better care of myself are:
4. If I could achieve anything in my life, it would be...
5. What have I never done before but would like to try?
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5. Make a 'what makes me happy' list
From your morning cup of coffee, the sun on your face in the evening, a cuddle from your pooch or lighting your favourite scented candle, we all experience tiny moments of happiness multiple times a day, according to Mhairi.
"By creating a list of all the things that make you happy you will not only increase your awareness of and gratitude for them, but you'll also have a toolbox to call on in times of need."
