Amanda Holden has bravely opened up about her son's tragic stillbirth, confessing she didn't want to "hold a dead baby".
The 49-year-old, who shares young daughters - Lexi, 14, and Hollie, eight - with husband Chris Hughes, was left devastated in 2011 when her little boy Theo died in the womb. In the BBC's Dear NHS Superstars special, the heartbroken mum reflected on the moment she was told there was no heartbeat.
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WATCH: Amanda Holden fights back tears as she recalls son's stillbirth
"I remember waking up and thinking I hadn't felt my baby kick for most of the night which was unusual because he was so active," she shared. "I tried all the things they tell you to do, but he wasn't moving. But I didn't panic."
Concerned, Amanda then went to Middlesex hospital where she was seen by midwife and close friend Jackie. "Luckily for us, an obstetrician was coming past and Jackie said to the obstetrician, 'Please can you go in, I can't hear the patient's baby's heartbeat', and then I heard this guttural screaming," she added.
"It was the most bizarre thing that's ever happened to me because it was me. I didn't know I was doing it. I had no control over myself, I thought it was another person making the noise."
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The TV star was left devastated in 2011 when her little boy Theo died
"All these women were holding me, calming me down," she added. "I forgot entirely that I'd have to get the baby out and I'd have to give birth for our son."
The TV star then opted to have a C-section because she couldn't go through with labour. "The C-section was beyond horrific because at the end a little baby who has nothing wrong with him apart from being asleep is going to come out," she explained. "I kept saying, 'I can't hold a dead baby', I was absolutely terrified. Just as the baby was going to come out my husband Chris had to leave the room, he couldn't bear it."
Fighting back the tears, Amanda continued: "Jackie wrapped him up and I said, 'Jackie, I can't do it, I can't hold him.' Jackie said, 'He's absolutely gorgeous, you need to see him.' That's when I held him even though he was fast asleep. The one thing I remember is his perfectly formed eyebrows, which all my children have."
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© Photo: InstagramAmanda shares young daughters Lexi and Hollie with husband Chris Hughes
The Heart FM presenter was then told she could take home some keepsakes of Theo. "Theo was put into a little room so his body could be preserved and we could go and see him as much or as little as we wanted," she revealed. "Jackie talked to me about the keepsakes we could have, to remind ourselves of Theo forever. We got his footprints and a little bit of his hair and the blanket he was born in."
Praising the NHS for all their efforts, Amanda concluded: "I'll do anything for that hospital because that's where my son was born and that's where we were treated like family members, that's the best way to describe it."
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The mum-of-two has since set up Theo's Hope - which provides mums who have suffered stillbirths some support with a bereavement counsellor. "Our son was called Theo and we are setting up a fund called Theo's Hope," she previously explained. "We want to raise money for a bereavement counsellor at the centre. I had so many people to talk to, talking to somebody is absolutely paramount."
