We often hear of couples who are unable to conceive naturally and then look at adoption to start a family, which is a wonderful thing to do.
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However, it's uncommon to hear of a couple who choose to adopt a child over having a baby themselves – and that is just what Richee and Vicky did when they welcomed their son Roman into their home.
"I was five when I first met mummy and daddy," says Roman. "I felt a bit scared and a bit excited. I came to my mum and dad to be safe and have fun. My favourite thing about my mum is when we cycle, and my favourite thing about my dad is playing music with him. I’m looking forward to growing up with mummy and daddy."
Vicky, Richie and Roman, now age 12, have shared their story with HELLO! for National Adoption Week, which runs from 17-23 October. This year, the week focuses on the theme of identity with the National Adoption Campaign 'You Can Adopt'.
Did you know that six in 10 Brits keep a 'memory box' at home containing special items such as photos, letters, toys and cards, and such boxes are particularly important to adopted children? These boxes help the child have an understanding of and connection to their life before adoption with their birth parents and foster carers, which can be crucial to their lifelong sense of identity and emotional wellbeing.
Here, Vicky and Richee, who have been together since they were teenagers, recount their adoption journey of their son Roman, from first deciding to adopt to their happy home life now.
The trio lives in Queensbury, West Yorkshire, along with Daisy the dog, cats Parsnip and Broccoli, and Steve the bearded dragon (who is adopted like Roman).
Deciding to adopt a child
Vicky: I always knew that I wanted children. When we got around to talking about it, adoption just sort of came up and it really fit with our principles.
Wanting children, for me, was not so much about wanting to be pregnant or having a baby. I suppose we weren't really 'baby people' but we love the fun of kids and play and the chaos of it all! So adoption fit with our values I suppose, wanting to do something positive for somebody else and make a difference to other people's lives.
Richee: It was the same for me. As far as we know, we could conceive a child, but it never made any sense to me to bring another child into the world when there are children out there who do desperately need a loving home.
Initially, we thought we wanted a younger child under the age of three, like a lot of people do, but during the process, we changed our opinion after seeing a lot of videos. We opted for a five-year-old. We found out that children over five can be harder to find adoptive families for, which is very, very sad. Roman had been in care since he was three with foster parents.
When we went through the adoption process, there were more adopters than there were children needing a home, so we ended up looking around the country and adopted out of our local area. We kept getting sent this picture of this little child from Hull, Roman! The adoption process took about a year and a half and now we have this little fella!
The adoption process
Vicky: We went to an initial information evening and then we expressed our interest, then did the paperwork checks required. We'd like to point out that if you do have a criminal record, it doesn't necessarily mean you can't adopt.
We were assigned a social worker to take us through our assessment and she was brilliant. We had regular sessions with her, talking through everything from our childhoods to our attachment styles, and there was training we went to.
At the time, it felt quite full on. Because we didn't have a child at that point, it felt quite theoretical but most of that training was so valuable. They teach you all about identity and respecting a child's identity, where they've come from and supporting them to understand their own life.
Richee: It's preparing you. I now talk at the adoption information evenings and get asked questions. It's surprising the number of parents who go in and think they're a) going to get a 'normal' child and or b) are going to get a child that they can 'fix'.
You're not going to get a child without trauma and things that have affected them in their early life – that's not going to happen. So this training prepares you for helping children through some really tough stuff that they don't really understand or have a way of coping with.
Vicky: We went through the assessment and our documents were taken to a panel, who we had to meet and answer a few questions with, but they were all really nice friendly people. There were adoptees, social workers, doctors, all sorts of people.
Then we were approved and that's when we started searching for a match. We found Roman and we had to go to another panel for approval of the match.
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Getting to know Roman
Richee: Before we met Roman, he was sent pictures of us that he could put around the house, so he could get used to what we looked like. It's a weird thing for a child to think about, that these people who are going to come and see you who you've never met before.
We made a video for him as well, showing him the new house, which apparently, he watched a lot. The pictures and DVD are in his memory box, so he still has all of those bits.
Vicky: We hired a cottage near where Roman was living with his foster family, and over the course of a week, we gradually spent more time with him at their house. Then Roman and his foster carers came and spent a weekend at a hotel near us, and that's when he was introduced to our house - or his house as it became.
After that, we all went back to his foster parents' house for a couple of days and at the end of that, we brought him home for good.
Richee: The first time we met Roman he came to the door wearing his favourite teddy bear jumper. We saw this little thing running around with a squeaky voice behind the frosted glass, and he came to the door and let us in.
Then I remember he was playing with Lego on the floor. As soon as we walked over he said: "Will you come and play with me on the floor daddy?" I'd only just met him and I didn't know what to do. It broke my brain.
Vicky: I was petrified that first time.
Richee: I was terrified as well. Even when you have your biological children, there's always that doubt going into it, getting used to it over the nine months of pregnancy, thinking, 'Am I going to be a good parent?' You have time to get used to that, but when you adopt, you don't.
There's this child and they're ready-made and they've got a personality and they've already had a life before they came to you, which is massively important. When Roman wants to, we still try to talk about his life before us because it's part of what makes him.
Vicky: When we first met him, there was so much unknown at that point and that's when it all becomes very real. It's a very odd situation to be in, especially for us when we were away from home visiting him in his foster carer's house, you feel like you're intruding.
They were brilliant though; they were so relaxed and supportive, but it does feel like you're going in and getting to know someone else's child. You don't have a relationship with them yet; that builds over time. Then years down the line, you look back and think, I can't imagine life being any different.
Richee: Someone asked us at an adoption event, 'When do they feel like yours?' Our answer is well, he's our son but he's never going to feel like 'ours' – that's not what we're trying to do.
Vicky: You're not trying to take ownership of a person. He's our son through and through. Will it ever feel like I gave birth to him? No, it won't because I didn't. I say to the people who ask that question, 'You're not going to do away with the experiences that these children have had – you have to find a way of honouring those and helping them to understand their own lives in context.'
Richee: I do understand that question though, because most of the people who are there are coming from the angle that they can't have their own children. They're coming from an angle of loss, so I understand them wanting that feeling, but that's not how we think about it.
Roman settling in
Vicky: There was a honeymoon period for a while where Roman's behaviour was so perfect, but after a while, he had his first meltdown – it was on the stairs, something to do with shoes. It was a relief because we knew it was going to happen and what that represented was Roman starting to feel comfortable enough to be himself and to express himself without feeling like we'd be cross at him for doing that.
Richee: It was a sign of him being emotionally open which is massively important. In our house, we always try to be very honest about our feelings.
Vicky: It was winter when he joined our family. At that time, we lived at a high altitude where it was snowy and I do remember feeling a bit isolated. New mums normally go to mum and baby groups and get a group of mum friends. I didn't have that.
So all of a sudden I had a five-year-old in my life. I'd taken adoption leave from work but I didn't have a network of mum friends around me to support me through that – and even if I did, it's different. That was really strange. But on the other hand, being isolated and it being winter did mean we spent more time close together at home bonding.
Looking back now, we realise that everything we went through in that period of adjustment was completely normal. Of course, it was going to be new and difficult for all three of us. I'd tell the me back then: be gentle with yourself and your own expectations.
Richie: We did go to some things with other adoptive parents and are still friends with some who we met through therapy groups. Our friends and family were also very supportive when we adopted Roman.
My dad actually adopted me when I was little – I only found out when I was 21. My mum is my birth mum, but my birth dad left when I was 10 days old and my dad adopted me when I was three, but he'd been looking after me since I was six weeks old.
For me, your parents are about a loving home and family, and finding that out didn't change anything for me.
Roman's birth parents
Vickie: Richee and I never met Roman's birth parents. We did meet Roman's maternal grandparents and they are in our lives now. It's very important to say that Roman's birth parents both died within months of each other after we adopted him, when Roman was seven.
Richee: Roman did want to go to his birth mum's funeral so we did take him to that because he was with her all the time up until he was three. Roman also has a maternal half-sister who's 22 who he sees all the time, and a brother and sister on the paternal side who we're in touch with.
I say this at adoption events… people have an idea in their heads of what a typical family of a child who's been taken into care is like and it's always a negative view. Roman's birth family are not that typical view; they're lovely and love him to bits.
When he first came to live with us, he talked about his grandparents more than anyone, so it was important for us to find some way for them to still be in his life. As far as they knew, they weren't going to get to see him anymore, but he sees them all the time now. They are an extra part of our family now. He goes to stay with them, and they come and visit us.
Roman's memory box
Roman: I look through my memory box sometimes, but not often. I like everything in there, photos and stuff. I've got a cuddly leopard and a blanket.
Richee: We say they are precious, don't we, because those are really, really, important. One of the reasons he has them in the memory box, is sometimes you don't want to look at them, do you? You said that sometimes they can make you feel a bit sad, so you don't look at them, but sometimes you do look at them.
Life at home now
Vicky: There's never a dull moment in our house. It's a noisy house with loads of wrestling and joking with each other. We look at our lives now and we just have a lot of fun. I'm proud of how we can talk about things.
Richee: I'm proud of how far Roman's come since he first came to us. He wouldn't let us go to the bathroom on our own because he was scared and anxious about anything, any loud noise.
Vicky: Now we're having so much fun as a three; we love going away on cycling holidays together. Roman's a creative lad and is really into music and photography. He's becoming a teenager and it's great watching him gain independence and make his own decisions.
Richee: Yes, that's the best thing. We're very proud of him.
Richee and Vicky are supporting You Can Adopt’s National Adoption Week campaign, which this year focuses on the theme of identity.
'You Can Adopt' will explore adopted people’s reflections on their relationships from before, during, and after they were adopted, connect them to their heritage, and understand how this helped them develop a sense of their identity as they grew up. For more, visit youcanadopt.co.uk/NAW
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