The Princess of Wales is recuperating at home with her family following her abdominal surgery and is expected to return to the public eye after Easter.
For those of us who have had surgery or a long illness like Kate, convalescing with a spouse or family member in charge of one's care can be tough going, as new pressures come into play.
Psychotherapists Katie McKenna and Helen Villiers, authors of You’re Not the Problem, spoke to HELLO! about this very issue, sharing their advice on how families can navigate the recovery of a loved one.
Katie and Helen say: "When a parent becomes ill, depending on the severity and duration of the illness, this can have a significant impact on the family and the family dynamics.
"And whilst we don’t all have the financial resources and support networks that William and Catherine have, in many ways it will be a very similar impact, because it’s how the illness impacts the relationship between the parents; and the relationship between the parents and their children.
"It’s important that parents are continually assessing the situation and adjusting their parenting so that they have a united front in helping the children understand and process what is happening."
Below, Katie and Helen discuss some of the challenges that may arise and advice on how to manage them...
Routine, responsibilities and support
On a very practical level when a parent becomes ill, there will be an adjustment of responsibilities in the home and the healthy parent will need to take on additional responsibilities such as managing household tasks and taking over daily routines with the children.
We think it is really important to add that it is the responsibility of the healthy parent to manage this, and not wait passively for instructions from the parent who is ill.
This change in parenting dynamic can highlight how much, or how little, the other parent has been involved in the parenting or household responsibilities. It can also communicate and demonstrate how supportive the other parent is willing to be going forward, and if they are not supportive can add additional strain and stress to the parent who is unwell.
This too will look different in a one parent family and can be a heavier burden to carry as there is not another parent to carry the weight of responsibilities. Seeking external support and asking for help with friends, family, neighbours or support groups is vital to ensure the ill parent has time to go to hospital appointments and get adequate rest to recuperate.
While there may be necessary changes to the children’s daily schedule, maintaining a sense of routine and stability is important for children. Consistency in daily activities and rituals can provide a sense of normalcy which is important for all children and especially important for children with additional needs.
Explaining upcoming changes in advance is important but not so far in advance that chronic anxiety has a chance to build. The length of notice will be different to each child’s needs.
It's important to remember that each child in one family will have a unique experience and reaction to the situation and all are valid.
Communication is key
Parents often think they’re protecting their kids by not telling them about the illness, however kids will pick up on the change if family members are sad or whispering, if their usual routines are interrupted or if their parents are lethargic and no longer have energy to play or talk.
Children are highly tuned to their environment and as dependent humans who are vulnerable to the safety of their adults for their own survival, they are more aware than many adults of the smallest change in that safety.
As a result, parents need to be much more attuned to the emotional needs of their children during this challenging time. However, it is important not to assume what they are feeling, and instead ask them how they feel and if they have any questions.
The child needs simple honest answers to their questions. They will be seeking reassurance and although it is natural to want to tell them that “everything will be fine” it is vital to not make false promises and instead offer realistic reassurance to the child; they are safe, that they will be taken care of, and that everybody is working hard and doing everything they can to make mammy or daddy feel better.
One of the greatest parenting tips we can give when it comes to curious young minds is to answer the question in front of you; and not to over explain. Also turning the question around and asking the child what they think is going on will help the parent understand the child’s world view of the situation.
The other parent, or another adult in a one parent family, may need to take on the responsibility of facilitating these conversations and provide emotional support to the children.
Expectations
The pressure for a parent who is unwell to perform to their usual standard is both unrealistic and can be damaging to their wellbeing. They may also grapple with their own emotional distress, potentially feeling guilt, frustration, or a sense of helplessness.
Our suggestion would be to lower your expectations and possibly even lower them again. Try to be kind to yourself and offer yourself the compassion and empathy you would give to a friend or partner you love.