My advice to Victoria Beckham as Harper turns 13: brace yourself!

Existential question: If there is a God, why, why, why, would he/she/they plan it so teenage-dom and menopause hit households at the same time? As a 50-year-old living with a 16-year-old daughter I can tell you the hormone induced emotions are more intense than a Bennifer mediation session. 

This week Victoria Beckham announced her daughter Harper was thirteen. In her Instagram post she said: "You are sweet and kind and your smile warms our heart everyday."

© Rosie Green

Hmm. Things might be about to change, V.B. 

Now, I know you've raised boys (as have I), but teenage girls are different. They are like tiger cubs. Cute looking but unpredictable. Sometimes playful, often very sweet, but able to puncture your ego with their sharp little claws in seconds. 

That's not to say it's all bad. Far from it. I love my daughter with every bit of my heart. I feel so lucky to have her. She's feisty and determined, spirited, compassionate and clever. She educates me and holds me to account. She’s also beautiful. But I'm not supposed to comment on this (because P.O.V., valuing looks over attributes is not okay).

V.B. - to navigate Harper’s teenage years you'll need humility, patience, and love. And to remember the following. 

© Instagram

1. They will send texts so dramatic you think Armageddon must have come. "Call me." "Call me now." "Pls call." "Why aren't up you picking up???" In actual fact, they just can't find their earbuds. Of course, when you need them to respond (normally for their own benefit) they will not answer for hours. 
2. They are very politically correct. Even though you think you are ideologically advanced, up with the lingo and down with the kids, you are not. They have the latest take on body image, cultural appropriation, mental health, classism, racism, sexism, and gender issues. It can be annoying to be constantly pulled up, but it does stop you from dropping any clangers at work. 
3. They can napalm your self-confidence better than anyone else. "Are you going to wear that? Just asking." Then, despite criticising your wardrobe, they borrow (i.e. take) something of yours and, obviously, look amazing in it.
4. They are going to think differently to you. Alternative aspirations, ideals, values. My older wiser friends say it’s crucial to let them find their way and develop their own passions and then embrace them with them.
5. Often, mostly, you are intensely irritating to them. Just your breathing/chewing/swallowing. My daughter now attributes this to a disorder called Misophonia. I think it may be a case of Mum-a-phobia. But thinking you are seriously 'cringe' is all part of the separation process, so try to develop a thick skin. 
6. They wear clothes you don't understand. My daughter particularly likes ugly chic. Secondhand fleeces and clothes that seem to completely hide her shape in challenging colours and flammable fabrics. Also crop tops. Do they not get cold middles? Apparently not. 
7. They always want to talk to you when you are SO tired. You get up at the crack of dawn to achieve everything and then at 10pm, after you have asked them for hours if they need talk, they settle on your bed and tell you, in depth, about their latest friendship/school challenges. 
8. They are indescribably messy. In their bedroom, abandoned clothes will create a 'floordrobe' and there are plates and mugs that constitute a health hazard. My advice? Don't go in.