Podcaster and transformational coach Zoe Blaskey is on a mission to boost the confidence of mums who feel guilty and tired while also comparing themselves with others.
The mother of two, whose new book Motherkind: How to Thrive in a World of Endless Expectations is out this week, cites a report that says 93% of mothers in the UK feel burned out, with 97% feeling under pressure to “do it all and be it all”.
Now, her goal is to help mums help themselves. "There was this huge gap; [I was looking for a way to fill it] and I didn’t find it, so I created it myself," she says of her Motherkind movement.
Here, Zoe, 41, who lives with her husband Guy and their daughters, aged eight and four, in Poole, Dorset, shares her outlook with HELLO!.
Zoe, what does Motherkind mean?
Motherkind is a different way to approach motherhood. The way we’ve been sold it is that the pinnacle of being a good mum is being selfless. Parental guilt exists, but mothers tend to hold so much more of that guilt.
The Motherkind way is that we realise we have to tend to our own needs, too; that the most important thing is whether we feel calm and regulated.
If you’re angry, stressed or teetering on the edge of burnout, you can’t access that kind, compassionate, wise parent inside.
I’ve studied, gathered expert views and used my coaching practice to develop tools and put it all together in the book.”
You say that self-care doesn’t work. Can you explain?
Self-care is a buzzword, often offered to mothers as a solution, but it involves time and money – something to do on top of an already too-full plate.
I replace self-care with energy management. I encourage people to think about what gives them energy, and to do one of each of those things each day.
For me, it’s often pausing between activities and taking a breath, saying: ‘You’re doing really well today.’ Then, stop one thing that’s draining you every day.
Right now, I’m in peak workload and I’ve got two kids off school, but I feel energised and calm because I’m stacking these little energy management habits throughout my day.
You believe in boundaries instead of balance…
I think work-life balance is a myth. It’s a nonsensical idea that there’s going be a time in my life when I’m giving the appropriate amount of time, energy and resources to each area. What you’re really saying is: ‘I’m limitless, I’m an endless well of giving,’ and that feeds into burnout.
Instead, I teach boundaries that you put on different areas of your life. I have Fridays off work with my four-year-old and I noticed work was creeping into that. So, I delete my email [app] on Thursday night and reinstall it on Saturday morning.
You talk about the term "matrescence". What is it?
It’s the process of motherhood, where your body, hormones and identity change – but that is not understood. We tell mothers to ‘bounce back’ after having a baby, but that’s when mothers tell me that they really start to struggle.
I’m passionate about getting rid of that term and thinking about growing forwards. Motherhood is one of the greatest transitions a woman can go through, and there are different seasons as you adapt and change.
What is the "should scam" about?
This is the way our brain works. We think we make decisions based on the here and now, but we’re 90% operating from our subconscious, where our beliefs have developed.
I shouldn’t go back to work so soon. I shouldn’t shout. I should be more in love with my partner than ever.’ I realised that so much of our experience of motherhood is based on the subconscious messages we’ve absorbed.
I help mothers think about what their beliefs are – what a good mother does and doesn’t do. Are those beliefs helping you or hindering you?
When we unearth those, we give ourselves a choice.
Motherkind: A New Way to Thrive in a World of Endless Expectations is out now, priced £16.99