A miscarriage is a devastating experience. In light of Baby Loss Awareness Week, baby massage and communication expert Crystal Miles shares her insights into how to navigate this difficult time with your loved ones. From the things you should never say to the kind words that personally helped her grieve, the mum of two - who experienced a miscarriage with her third baby - shares her words of wisdom.
I am part of a club that nobody wants to be a part of. The 1 in 4 club. According to Tommy's, early miscarriages happen to 10-20 in 100 (10 to 20%) of pregnancies whilst second trimester loss (late miscarriage) happens to 1-2 in 100 (1 to 2%) of pregnancies.
Around 1 in 80 (1.25%) pregnancies are ectopic. These are only the known losses. I am a statistic, and behind every statistic is a person with a story. Nobody prepares you for the worst.
Women talk in corners and in hushed tones. It's not supposed to happen, it's not the natural order of things. Only when you become a part of the club do you find out that it’s not that exclusive after all. It's human nature to offer comfort, but what do you say?
Unfortunately, often what's intended to be well-meaning and profound can be hurtful. Here's what to avoid...
- "Everything happens for a reason". This well-meaning phrase can invalidate somebody's experience. The loss of a child shouldn't be minimised and regardless of the circumstances surrounding the loss, the parent needs to grieve their baby. It's simply insensitive.
- "At least it was early". Whether 4 weeks or 40 weeks, a baby is a baby, and a loss is a loss. The moment you find out you're pregnant, you plan for a future. In no other circumstance of loss would you use his expression. You may also not be aware of the journey it took to get to this "early" stage.
- "You can always try again". Don't discard the depth of feeling around this baby, give time for healing and grief. Baby loss can have a significant impact on both physical and emotional health and it's not the time to be thinking about trying again. Another baby is not a replacement for this one.
- "At least you already have a child". When you stop to think about it, would you ever say this to a person who lost a child after pregnancy? Once again this can invalidate their experience and even cause suppressed emotions. You can be grateful for what you have whilst simultaneously feeling the loss deeply.
- "At least you know you can get pregnant". There is no comfort in this statement, whether falling pregnant was easy, accidental, longed for or assisted. There can be complicated emotions around trying to conceive that you may not be aware of. Any response that starts with "at least" is a no no that doesn’t acknowledge the loss of their baby.
So what should you say instead? It's actually much simpler than you think. The key word is empathy. Statements such as: "I'm so sorry for your loss", "I'm here for you" or "Is there anything I can do for you?" are perfect. It's also OK if you don't really know what to say, so just say that.
"I don't know what to say, I can't imagine, but I'm here for you," is all that's needed. Let them know that you're thinking about them. Let them know that you're there to listen, or to just be with them.
Finally, don’t be afraid that you are reminding them, they haven’t forgotten, so check in with them as time passes too. "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story." - Maya Angelou.
DISCOVER: I've suffered three heartbreaking miscarriages – there needs to be more support
Cryatal Miles (CIMI, FdSC, DipION, DipHB) is a baby massage and communication expert, IAIM educator, doula, baby yoga teacher and founder of CONNECTED BABIES.