This National Adoption Week we look for ways to raise awareness around adoption and for ways to celebrate families who have been formed through this process.
Those raising an adopted child will navigate this experience with the best of intent, endeavouring to create as settled and safe an environment as possible for this member of their family.
However, this process isn't always easy. HELLO! spoke to child and adolescent psychotherapist and spokesperson for the Association of Child Psychotherapists (ACP), Alison Roy, who shared her expert advice for adoptive parents on how best to support their child and themselves as they navigate their journey together.
How can parents navigate conversations with their child about their adoption?
When they feel the time is right, many adoptive parents will want to tell their child about their adoption if they were too young to remember the process first-hand. Alison tells us that while there is no one correct way to approach this, it is important that questions from the child are encouraged and handled without judgement or blame.
"Many adoptees report feeling afraid to talk to their parents about their birth family. Beginning with honesty and openness right from the start is key but also in an age-appropriate way without overloading the child with unnecessary sadness or distress," the author of A For Adoption; An Exploration of the Adoption Experience for Families and Professionals explains.
"For example, 'We chose to become your parents and we waited for you to be in our family for a long time and we are proud to have you in our family, even though we have our struggles', is a good way to begin the conversation and explaining what adoption means with younger children, and expand on that as they grow older," she adds.
Interestingly, the psychotherapist tells us that adopted children and young people she works with who feel most connected to their adoptive parents have always known they are adopted.
"Some parents will add a bit about how they first met them and a bit of information about what they felt back then like a birth parent might do at the birth," she says. "Like, 'When I first saw you, I noticed your eyes' or 'you looked so little and a bit scared and then our eyes met and I just wanted to hold you and take you home there and then'."
"This is very different to saying, 'You weren't mine' or 'You should be grateful' or in some rare cases in the heat of the moment parents or birth children of adoptive parents can use threats like "I/we will send you back if…'," she explains, adding: "Don't expect an adoptee to be grateful for being separated from their birth family. If you can find a way of being honest about the love and security that you will keep providing but an awareness that adoption means that sometimes things will be hard, that’s very meaningful for an adopted child."
How can an adoptive parent navigate questions from other parents about their situation?
Adoptive parents may be asked questions about their journey by those around them which can be tricky or triggering. Alison reminds us that people don't have a right to your personal information and you don't have to justify you or your children's behaviours.
"That can lead to an exhausting coverup journey where parents are constantly trying to explain to others why their children are kicking off or are different to other children," she says.
"Decide on a narrative together about what gets shared with whom. It's helpful to be clear and honest with school teachers/tutors and club leaders about this, [as well as] relatives and close friends."
However, this openness is best placed with those who are going to be good listeners, Alison advises. "Build your network by telling people you can trust what’s going on, then you can give them messages like, 'It's been a difficult week, your hugs and kind words will be appreciated'. For those parents who want to judge and scrutinise, it's not your problem, but communication and awareness that a challenging child does affect how other children feel is important too. Make sure you have people around who can resource you."
Raising an adopted child as a single parent
Some adoptive parents will find themselves raising a child alone. In this event, Alison suggests building a village of people around you who can offer support as solo parenting can be a challenge in terms of "holding boundaries and the playful stuff alongside all the practical and emotional demands of being a parent".
Alison says: "The parents who struggle most are those who feel completely isolated. There are usually support groups linked to adoption you can access in different areas, online or through your Regional Adoption Agency (RAA) but the level of support can differ in different areas."
Tackling a child's questions about identity
An adoptive child will likely come to their parent wanting to know details about their life before they were adopted. However, Alison tells us that "identity is a big issue for adoptees but belonging and feeling connected probably comes first."
She explains: "If a child has a secure attachment, a good connection with their adoptive parents and their family/network, then they have roots and a secure base from which to explore from.
"Acceptance is key, so trying out different identities and working out what fits. But that doesn’t mean blindly accepting challenging behaviour, it’s an ongoing process of creating the space to understand each other."
Helpful resources
Adopted parents may feel well supported by family and friends but there is tailor-made support available by those who can relate most. Alison says: "There are a number of adoption organisations like Coram, Adoption UK, Barnardo's and Adoption Matters but finding local resources and support services is key.
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"The Regional Adoption Agency is a good place to start and if you require therapy and psychological support, they can help you access the Adoption Support Fund (ASF) for this."