Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas, once considered one of Hollywood's leading and most stable power couples, shocked the world when their marriage hit the rocks. Their high-profile divorce has spotlighted the complexities of modern relationships.
Their very public struggle has forced us to confront the harsh realities that even seemingly ‘perfect’ unions can crumble under the weight of misunderstandings and unresolved issues. In a world where social media often portrays idealised versions of relationships, their story serves as a stark reminder that love alone cannot always conquer all. Their highly visible impending custody battle underscored the emotional toll such situations can inflict, not just on the couple, but also on the family.
According to some experts, couples counselling, if sought before marriage and even during the engagement stage, could provide a valuable platform for partners to communicate openly, addressing concerns and expectations before they escalate. “The benefits are massive. How much pain and heartache is there when relationships go wrong? How many children are emotionally damaged as a consequence of dysfunctional relationships or bad separations and divorce,” explains love and relationship coach Heather Garbutt, “Pre-engagement counselling is valuable for anybody embarking on any kind of committed relationship.”
Likewise, Dr Rina Bajaj, counselling psychologist and author of The Magic In Me says that pre-engagement counselling is beneficial for couples for several reasons; “It helps couples enhance their communication skills, ensuring that they can express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns effectively. It encourages couples to discuss and align their expectations regarding important aspects of their future together, such as finances, family planning, and career goals.” Garbutt adds, “The counselling enables you to establish healthy methods of communication, teaches you how to create trust, form commitment and engender respect and allows you to touch upon all of the potential conflict points ahead of time.”
Premarital relationship counselling can equip couples with essential tools to navigate challenges and build resilience, fostering healthier relationships from the outset. “The earlier the better if the couple really think that they are going to make a marriage together. Once there's been heavy investment over time together and patterns have been established, it's much more difficult to develop an open mind and open heart to new ways of being and relating,” confirms Garbutt. By encouraging premarital relationship counselling, couples can experience a thoughtful and informed decision about marriage.
This shift could potentially reduce divorce rates and spare families the pain of messy legal battles, emphasising the importance of emotional preparation alongside the excitement of engagement. “Pre-engagement counselling can enhance emotional resilience and self-awareness, making individuals better equipped to handle life's challenges and setbacks. Counselling can also prepare individuals for successful co-parenting,” says Dr Bajaj.
We spoke to the experts to find out more about premarital counselling and relationship counselling in general:
How can premarital relationship counselling benefit couples in the long run?
“Pre-engagement counselling or coaching can give you the opportunity to make sure that you're on the same page with what you want for your relationship and in your lives, really lay good foundations so that you both get what you want in life, for yourself and with each other. Getting that established early on is invaluable,” - Heather Garbutt.
“Pre-engagement counselling assists in building a solid foundation for a successful relationship by ensuring both partners are on the same page in terms of values, priorities, and long-term goals,” explains Dr Rina Bajaj, “This can help with exploring compatibility and may help to reduce the risk of divorce. In addition, it provides individuals with opportunities for personal growth and self-awareness, which can benefit not only the relationship but also each partner individually.” - Dr Rina Bajaj.
What role does relationship counselling play in helping couples better understand their compatibility?
“It's no good embarking on a relationship if you have majorly different goals for the relationship or key areas of life. These could be around money, careers, sex and fidelity, family, roles in the relationship, family, spirituality or personal development. Discussing this from the start, getting clarity about the views you each hold, can enable clear negotiation and planning and prevent nasty shocks or upset after the wedding.” - Heather Garbutt
Are there red flags in a relationship that indicate a need for couples counselling?
“Warning signs might be an inability to listen or speak up, competitiveness, criticism, stubbornness, unkind teasing, mockery, sarcasm etc as these are likely to be detrimental to the health and longevity of any relationship. They are likely to create a relationship of ‘intimate enemies’ rather than a loving partnership. Another red flag could be if one person has more power in the relationship and the other doesn't really feel very heard or understood. There needs to be mutual respect for each other's feelings and needs as a foundation. If one person's needs dominate, the relationship is not likely to be happy. This would need to be addressed in advance of making a formal commitment.” - Heather Garbutt
“Persistent difficulties in communicating effectively, such as frequent arguments, misunderstandings, or avoidance of important topics can be a red flag. This can highlight ongoing conflicts or recurring issues that a couple can't seem to resolve on your own or potential issues around trust. If you and your partner have significantly different values, beliefs, or life goals that may lead to conflicts or compromise your long-term compatibility or if you feel emotionally distant or disconnected from your partner, where you're not as close or intimate as you once were then you may consider pre-engagement counselling.” - Dr Rina Bajaj.
How can premarital counselling help couples navigate difficult topics like finances, family dynamics, and future expectations?
“Getting issues out in the open before you get engaged or married enables you to address them and for you both to negotiate for about your feelings and needs. Once you are in a marriage, some of those things become less tractable. It gives you a chance to look at whether or not you share the same values, ambitions, ideas about how the relationship will work and intentions for your marriage and to look at what you each want from life and see if those things fit together.” - Heather Garbutt
“Counselling sessions provide a structured and safe environment for couples to openly discuss challenging topics. The counsellor serves as a neutral mediator, ensuring that both partners have an opportunity to express their views. Counselling can help couples explore and understand their respective family backgrounds, dynamics, and expectations. Couples are encouraged to delve into their core values and beliefs during counselling. This exploration helps them understand their values alignment and identify areas where they may need to compromise or find common ground.” Dr Rina Bajaj.
What are the different types of pre-engagement counselling available, and how can couples choose the one that suits their needs best?
“There are many sorts of pre-marital and pre-engagement counselling and even new programmes like Couple Coaching for a Lifetime of Love which helps mature couples who want to graduate from past relationship dynamics to establish their new one on strong foundations. The most important thing is to find a counsellor or coach that you have an affinity with and feel comfortable with. It is often much more about the person than they model.” - Heather Garbutt
“There are various types of pre-engagement counselling available to couples, each catering to different needs and preferences. When choosing pre-engagement counselling, it's crucial for couples to consider their values, beliefs, preferences, and specific relationship needs. Discuss your goals and expectations as a couple, and don't hesitate to explore multiple options or seek recommendations to find the type of counselling that aligns best with your unique circumstances and objectives.” - Dr Rina Bajaj.
How can someone approach a conversation about pre-engagement counselling with their partners, and how can they overcome resistance or reluctance?
“Approaching the conversation about pre-engagement counselling with a partner requires care and sensitivity. Find a comfortable and private setting where you both can talk openly without interruptions or distractions. Choose a time when you're both relaxed and not rushed. Start the conversation by sharing your concerns and intentions. Explain why you believe pre-engagement counselling could be beneficial for both of you and your relationship. Use "I" Statements: Frame your statements using 'I' rather than 'you' to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say, 'I think pre-engagement counselling could help us strengthen our relationship,' instead of 'You need counselling.' Highlight the potential benefits of pre-engagement counselling, such as improved communication, conflict resolution, and a stronger foundation for your future together.” - Dr Rina Bajaj.
Are there alternative methods or resources for couples who may not have access to traditional counselling services?
- Online Counselling Services: Many therapists and counsellors offer online counselling through video calls or messaging platforms. These services can be accessible to couples regardless of their location.
- Self-Help Books and Workbooks: There are numerous self-help books and workbooks available that cover topics related to relationships, communication, conflict resolution, and pre-engagement discussions. Couples can read and work through these resources together
- Relationship Workshops and Seminars: Some organisations and community centres offer relationship workshops or seminars on topics like communication, conflict resolution, and financial planning. These may be more affordable or accessible than individual counselling.
- Online Resources: Many reputable websites provide articles, videos, quizzes, and interactive tools designed to help couples address relationship challenges. Websites like The Gottman Institute and Psychology Today offer valuable content.
- Community Support Groups: Local support groups or community organisations may host relationship-focused meetings or support groups where couples can connect with others facing similar challenges.
- Religious Guidance: If religion is an important part of a couple's life, they may seek guidance from their religious leaders or clergy members. Many churches, synagogues, mosques, and temples offer pre-engagement counselling or support for couples.
- Peer Counselling: Some couples find it helpful to talk to friends or family members who have experience in successful marriages. Peer counselling can provide insights and a different perspective.
- Journaling: Couples can engage in reflective journaling individually or together. Writing down thoughts, feelings, and concerns can lead to self-discovery and open discussions.
- Podcasts and Webinars: Many relationship experts host podcasts and webinars on various relationship topics. Couples can listen to these together and engage in discussions afterward.
- Dr Rina Bajaj.