Penny Lancaster, 53, dared to wear a bikini on holiday. And not just any bikini, but an itsy-bitsy black bikini. I’m pretty sure it was a Heidi Klein number as I have one just like it in red.
As her image appeared online, the comments started rolling in. "She'd look better in a one-piece", "I'm sorry, just no." "Why would she want to embarrass her children like that?" Others were so nasty that I don't want to write them here.
Wearing a bikini on holiday is one of life's joys. The feeling of freedom, of sun on your skin. It’s such an escape from the belted, suited, booted attire we wear for the rest of the year. With a bikini, you can get a tan on your tummy. You can even go, gasp, topless.
Yet for most women, myself included, bikini wearing is marred by the gazillion negative thoughts ticker taping through our heads. And this only increases in middle age. Have I depilated EVERYWHERE? God forbid a straggler should escape. That would have people feeling nauseous. Am I tanned enough? Is my cellulite visible? Are my knees saggy? Is my belly too pouchy?
Last week I was introduced to a new body aspiration. Along with a thigh gap and bikini bridge, we now, according to certain TikTokers, apparently need "yacht shoulders."
The influencers were inspired by pictures of the Jenner sisters' recent Mallorca trip. Trying to keep up with Kardashians now involves having chiselled trapeze muscles and prominent collar bones. N.B. Yacht arms are also trending. They are "lean and muscular." Which is ironic because the only thing guests on yachts seem to lift is cocktails. And I know this for a fact because I’ve watched Below Deck.
Trolling
I guess what’s different for Penny compared to when I don a swimsuit, is that while most of us might feel the judgement, we are not subjected to strangers giving their verdict.
I have some very minor experience of trolling. I did a photoshoot with my pooch Pixie once and somebody commented underneath the article, "Which one is the dog?" Which I found very funny. But if I was feeling more vulnerable it could have felt crushing. The worst one came after my marriage broke up and I had my picture taken in the kitchen. I had tidied up because, well you do, and someone wrote, "No wonder her husband left her - her house is so sterile." Nice.
But back to bikinis. Penny looked happy and carefree. And I am sure her children are the opposite of embarrassed by her. They will no doubt be proud of her body confidence.
I notice that, on another yacht somewhere in the Med, Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire are currently sporting satisfyingly normal 49-year-old bodies. There's some level of vitriol aimed at them too, but it mainly seems to be questioning their sexuality.
READ: Just like Victoria Beckham, I've ditched restrictive diets and punishing exercise at 50
But don’t despair, there is good news. It seems for every negative comment online, there is another person calling the troller out. Thank God, because there's no place for body shaming in 2024. Penny should be able to wear what she wants. And so should we…
The only question we should be asking ourselves when it comes to bikinis is triangle or bandeau?
P.S. I worked with Penny once. She was sporting the most enormous diamond ring. I asked her if she felt scared to wear it on the tube. It was a comment I immediately regretted.