I grew up surrounded by constant chatter and company, so I never noticed the fact that I struggled to be alone. It wasn’t until I got older and couldn’t sit in silence that I realised I didn’t know how to be in my own company.
There’s a saying, ‘You can’t be what you can’t see,’ and thinking back, I had never seen women eating, chilling and travelling alone, so why would I have thought that was something to aspire to?
Maybe my discomfort in spending time alone was because I hadn’t seen the women in my family do it. Perhaps because, as women, society discourages us from prioritising ourselves, I didn’t like spending time alone. We rarely invest in ourselves, not taking ourselves on solo dates or spending time quietly reflecting.
There’s been a recent trend online for solo dating, with people on social media documenting what they’re doing on their alone days. But if we’re photographing and uploading the way we’re dating ourselves, are we actually committing to our own company and truly enjoying the moment, or are we just creating content to show others, waiting for validation?
Why do women struggle to spend time alone?
Dr. Jaime Zuckerman explains women’s aversion to solitude. “It likely stems from society’s stigmatised view of women. There’s an expectation that women function solely as emotional and physical caregivers to the people in their lives, often prioritising others’ needs above their own.
“They may misperceive a choice to spend time alone as being selfish or lazy simply because they’re attending to their own needs.”
Noticing I couldn't spend time alone, I realised I had a choice: to find safety in silence or keep sulking with the emotions.
How I became comfortable in my own company
1. Daily wellness habits
To ease myself into spending time alone, I started daily wellness habits, including savouring my morning tea, walking in the sunshine, gentling jogging in the park, reading books and attempting new Pinterest recipes.
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2. Making time to rest
In the past, spending time alone saw me filling the hours with others, messaging friends or finding activities. Now, it’s pausing. This can mean scheduling time for meals, going on solo dates and resting. Honestly, a cancelled meeting is a gift from the universe and one I would happily unbox.
October is my birthday month, which typically I’d celebrate loudly. But instead, through loving my own company, this year it’s a day to celebrate alone. I want to celebrate how far I’ve come in health and self-made wealth.
So far this month, I have made myself a daily breakfast and blocked out an hour of my calendar each day to spend alone.
I have declined social invites to rewatch my favourite Bollywood movies and checked myself into the Melia White House for the night, ordering room service and enjoying the queen-sized bed like a starfish.
What I have saved on socialising with others for the sake of it, I am investing in better eating, sleeping and travelling habits.
I've learned to listen to my body and mind, practising ‘adulting’ by prioritising rest. Networking events, once tempting, now fall outside my bedtime. I have a strict 10 p.m. sleeping schedule, which I rarely shift.
3. Learning to say no
I no longer feel guilty for saying no, but I am proud that I am putting my health first. Dr. Marsha Chinichian explains: “Regular solitude boosts emotional well-being, reducing anxiety and fostering inner peace. Empowerment and independence flourish in solo moments, critical for women's self-esteem and confidence.”
I’m slowly becoming my best friend - weird to write out loud because this is what we all should be. And by loving my own company, I think I am a better friend.
Leading the way
I want my family to experience the same joy in alone time that I have found. I may not have realised it was an option because I didn’t see them do it, but they can learn from me.
Recently, I took my mother on a work trip to Cornwall, and we sat for hours by the cliffs in complete silence. We spent time together whilst spending time alone. Last weekend, my sister and I enjoyed an afternoon tea at Lucy Wong London before heading our separate ways, giving us time to reconnect before setting off in our company.
How has being alone made me happier?
Loving my own company has undoubtedly boosted my confidence, from writing a book to hosting a podcast, travelling alone and blocking bad friends.
Well-being coach Mamta Gera explains: “By spending time alone, we can remove the weight of external expectations and cultural pressures in this sanctuary of calm, confirming one's identity and ideals.
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“We are more suited to form meaningful connections, follow our hobbies, and achieve our goals when content and anchored in isolation. Once we are happy in our company, we can encourage each family member to pursue their passions and interests, celebrate their uniqueness and ensure they know their worth isn't tied to societal expectations.”
Loving your own company empowers you to create the life you want to live. If loving your company, self-care or putting yourself first is being ‘selfish’, I’d rather be selfish for my wellbeing than struggle to keep up with the rat race and activities I don’t enjoy.
Remember that loving your own company is personal. The small steps will influence self-worth, confidence and decisions. Start with one tiny act of love daily and grow from there. It takes 90 days to form a habit, transforming your definition of happiness and your relationship with yourself.
Follow Sonya on Instagram and visit HELLO!'s Happiness Hub for more inspiration to live your happiest life.
